QUESTION: How can I stop my stream of negative thoughts and fears about the future? Whenever I try to fight my thoughts, it’s like I am only giving more power to them.
AZIM: Negative thoughts and fears are actually a defense mechanism your mind has developed to protect you from danger and uncertainty. The human mind is primed to look for predictable, secure outcomes; ones that it can seemingly control. We consequently end up seeking patterns and familiar beliefs that perpetuate this feeling of security, even at the risk of limiting our potential and making us unhappy in the long run. In short, any sign of insecurity is a sign that our desire for certainty has become too strong.
Fear exists in even the most confident-looking people; but they do not allow it to run their lives. Though the process might be slow and may need sustained action, by intent and persistence you can learn to thrive in uncertainty and overcome fears that limit you.
Here are some methods:
1. Stop resisting it – Whenever you resist anything, you feed it attention and by that response, strengthen it. Once you stop resisting it, you will see, that it loses some of the power it holds over you.
2. Observe the fear in its entirety – Your fear keeps getting bigger when you fight it or ignore it. Instead, try observing the fear dispassionately, like you are watching a movie. Every negative idea or fear weakens by observation, whereas a good feeling or idea is strengthened by observation. Also, your fears show you what you need to do to succeed, or find an underlying idea or belief that you have so far been ignoring. Sometimes the underlying belief itself is incorrect or too exaggerated. Hence imagine the worst possible case scenario of every fear. Then objectively ask yourself what real evidence there is for this fear, and whether it is bigger than the perceived reward of performing the action. Often you will find that fear is not only unjustified, but also exaggerated.
3. Identify the script that accompanies the fear – All fears have an accompanying inner dialogue; like, ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘I don’t fit in’ or ‘I am a failure’. But this critical voice is not true and it is often derived from our early life experiences when we were still too young to judge it correctly. Often this voice belongs to a parent, teacher or peer who had a certain degree of influence over us. As we get older, we end up internalizing these points of view as our own. Recognizing this dialogue gives us the power to disconnect ourselves from it and let it go.
4. Take baby steps – Whenever any fear or negative thought seems too big, the best way is to approach it by taking baby steps. If your insecurity is keeping you from addressing a large gathering, seek out smaller audiences in the beginning. Maybe you can start by presenting your speech to a supportive friend and then gradually move on to bigger groups. The important point here is to interrupt our self-limiting behavior as soon as it emerges, and make small incremental movements towards the solution daily.
5. Focus on your blessings – Expression of gratitude shifts your focus from your fear to your blessings. Instead of looking for signs of what’s not working, look for signs of what is. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking, instead of fighting against this fear, aim towards experiencing the joy of interacting with others. Be thankful for the people and experiences it will enrich your life with. Be thankful for the self-confidence the experience will imbibe in you.
6. Practice self-compassion – Unless we are compassionate to ourselves, we cannot become aware of our gifts and discover what makes us special. And once we begin to acknowledge the joy of our presence, we can actually begin to unshackle ourselves from the beliefs that hold us back. One easy way of doing this is practicing daily meditation or following the ‘hour of power’ in our daily lives (20 minutes of exercise, 20 minutes of meditation and 20 minutes of reading something uplifting).
Our victory over our fears comes from starting to relax with uncertainty and being totally present to each moment. Hope this helps!