QUESTION: I have a manipulative co-worker who is constantly trying to undermine my work. I have tried discussing this with him, but he feigns ignorance and persists in his behavior, so much so that it’s becoming difficult for me to remain positive and effective at my work.
AZIM: Conflict situations at the workplace can be caused by a number of reasons, ranging from personality differences to prejudiced beliefs and opinions. If viewed constructively, they can provide great opportunities for greater learning and self-evaluation. However, if there is a definite and consistent pattern of negative interaction with someone, stronger measures are needed.
A manipulator is usually invested in meeting their own goals by controlling and influencing others, often at the cost of the latter’s sense of personal freedom or wellbeing. Their behaviors range from gossiping or badmouthing, to emotional blackmail, discrediting others, distorting facts, lying or being insincere, deflecting the issue at hand when confronted or even using veiled threats. This behavior is often derived from the manipulator’s own insecurities, their flawed worldview and their consequent attempt at self-validation.
However there are ways in which you can put a stop to such behavior.
1. Be conscious of your rights and set boundaries – Every individual has basic rights in the workplace including the right to be respected, the right to be able to express their needs and opinions, the freedom to set their priorities as well as protect themselves from emotional, mental and physical injury. Hence it’s important to set and specify boundaries if others do not respect this right. Specify politely and firmly what you will and won’t accept and remember that there is no justification for accepting inappropriate behavior from anyone.
2. Question the behavior – Ask probing questions to bring the manipulator to question their own intent behind their demand. Often this measure alone will bring their unjust expectations out in the open and compel them to withdraw. For example, you can ask questions like:
- Are you asking me or telling me?
- Is what you are demanding fair?
- Would you like to hear my opinion?
- Does this seem reasonable to you?
- Are you really expecting me to do this?
3. Deliberate and then respond – Do not give in to the pressure of responding to their demand right away. Tell them you need time to think it through. Then distance yourself from that person, assess the demand calmly and calibrate your response accordingly.
4. Be clear in your communication – Don’t expect them to understand. Tell them what you want precisely and ensure your tone and body language support your speech.
5. Be assertive – Do not back down in face of drama or threats. Do not let any issue linger by being vague or displaying hesitation in doing what you think is right. Repressing any issue only builds it up, often leading to an emotional outburst later, which shows you in a poor light. Say no if you have to. If expressed, politely and firmly, it can help position you strongly, while retaining a workable relationship. If the person uses drama to draw attention, remain calm and keep repeating the same statement until they understand you will not change your mind. When they try to deflect the blame or change the topic, bring them back to the issue at hand.
6. Attack the behavior, not the person – People are more than a sum total of their behavior. If you attack them instead of their behavior, you are in a way encouraging them to perpetuate the latter by associating it with their personality. Also, focusing only on the behavior will help you to disassociate emotionally from the situation and respond objectively.
7. Document your work – If you are working with this person, it’s best to document all communication and evidence of work. This can come in handy while presenting your case or preventing the manipulator from discrediting your contribution.
8. Ask for help – If the person persists in his behavior or the situation worsens, ask for help from your boss or superior. Have a one-on-one meeting and explain the situation. Stick to facts and refrain from judgment. Do not label the manipulator or display overt sensitivity. Remain calm and objective, while seeking their guidance to resolve the situation. If required, request for a transfer to another team or project, or ask for more clarity on your job profile to prevent further cause for disagreements.